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And the winners are...

Holiday Song Contest

By Jim Kershner and Isamu Jordan  •  Staff writers  •  DECEMBER 23, 2005

When we asked readers to get in touch with their inner Irving Berlins for 7's Holiday Song Contest, we knew we would get plenty of songs about shopping, credit cards, manger scenes and Frosty. We did not anticipate, however, that we'd receive several songs about Jim West, one about Chia Pets and one death-metal ditty that begins with the warm holiday sentiment, "Have a (obscene reference to mom) Christmas!" Here are the (obscene reference to mom) details:

The lyrics by Kerri McIntosh titled "West Is Recalled," to the tune of "Joy to the World," might have won this category under different circumstances.

After all, the song contains this stanza:

West ruin'd the rep,

Of our fair town,

You know, just what I mean,

He looked at lots of porn,

And claimed he was reborn,

The kid was seventeen,

The kid was seventeen.

The kid, the kid, was seventeen.

The only problems: (1) The song had no holiday theme, as specified in the contest rules, and (2) we're thoroughly sick of hearing about Jim West.

Another song, by Jim Cranford of Spokane, pulled off the impressive feat of referring to Spokane as "Meth-lehem" and changing the line "O come let us adore him, Christ the Lord" to "O come let us recall him, Right Bi-Guy."

The only problems? See above.

Most of the other songs worked variations on shopping themes, as in these two variations on "Jingle Bells":

Dashing through the mall, in a beat-up Chevrolet,

Filled it up with gas, we're not laughing all the way. (Owen Randall of Post Falls).

Junior wants a toy, that sold out yesterday,

EBay we'll employ, a fortune we will pay. (Sally O'Brien of Spokane)

Winter driving was another common theme. One of the best was submitted by Deborah and Richard Chan of Spokane Valley, to the tune of "Merrily, Merrily":

Our steely studs we do adore!

In our Vega,

We dream of Talladega.

Two of our favorite entries dealt with the theme of Christmas charity. Dina Ng of Pullman submitted lyrics to the tune of "Silent Night," which included the verse: "Christmas Day, time to share, homeless men, in the street, clothes and food, from stranger's love, Give them hope that life is good."

The song with the best theme came from Lonna Wallace of Spokane, to the tune of "Winter Wonderland":

Tree of tags, did you pick one?

To make the day for someone,

A wonderful thought, the gift that you bought,

Helping make a Christmas wish come true.

This nearly tied for first place, but we eventually settled on "O Little Town of Spokanites" by Paul Benner (pictured, above right), a 56-year-old Central Valley school bus driver. He said he sat down with his wife, Judy, and put together some lighthearted words about Spokane's conflicted relationship with snow.

This song is short and simple. We picked it because it's seasonal, it's regional and it made us laugh. He receives a $50 gift certificate, as does the winner of the next category:

Marc Doty's entry didn't win, but we appreciate his effort. Doty's original holiday song, "Holiday Wish," was accompanied by a music video to help illustrate his deepest holiday desire.

Peace on earth? All the money in the world? Please. Doty just wants the streets to be filled with drivers who don't push him into road rage:

I wish all the Inland Empire happiness with this one caveat,

I promise not to kill you if you'll just learn how to drive,

It's easy to merge if you get up to speed on the acceleration ramp,

That's why they call it the acceleration ramp,

You'll never get in if you stop when you're supposed to merge…

So in December, if I see you on the freeway, I hope for your sake you can merge.

The video features a computer animation sequence of a freeway scene of several cars smashing into each other with blood oozing out of the wreckage. Ahh, nothing says "Happy holidays" like a pool of blood.

This next entry came all the way from Mobile, Ala., where the reader saw the contest here at spokane7.com.

Anthony Shiver's "The Ride of St. Nicholas" gives the holiday theme a death metal twist.

The aforementioned quadrasyllabic expletive – sang in the tradition of demonic banshee – sets up these lines:

Santa, our lord, he rides tonight

To the children of the world who are sleeping

And lo, it is written, that beneath boot there be claw

And a white beard hides pointed teeth fearsome

Ooooooookay.

David McRae's folky "Frosty X-Mess" looks at the current culture of Christmas and simply asks: What would Jesus do?

If the birthday boy came back today, I wonder what he'd have to say.

Would he think we've got the right idea, the world's so full of pain and fear?

Would he come as a child like way back when, or turn those tables over again?

Jump on a sleigh by Santa's side and take mankind for another ride?

The harmonica was a nice touch, too.

Past Holiday Song Contest winner Mitch Heider's entry, "Happy Birthday Jesus," followed a similar sentiment, only it was delivered in the style of spoken word poetry.

Many people will feel uncomfortable singing this… that it's a religious statement. It's not. Many will say that you have to be a Christian to sing it. After all, we can't even call Christmas… Christmas anymore without offending many people. I think that's ridiculous. Not celebrating Jesus' life is like not celebrating the life of Gandhi because he studied all religions, or Martin Luther King because he was African American.

It's a little preachy, sure, but we like Heider's universal appeal.

The winning entry, Diane Dean's "Better Be Good Or Santa Ain't Comin This Year," stood out above the rest because it had the total package – great singing, top-notch production, a fun message that's easy to relate to and an irresistibly upbeat Dolly Pardon-esque country vibe.

– Written by Diane Dean (pictured, above left)